Tokyo Dating Disasters – The Tale of Mr Nagasaki

It would really seem that I have a thing for men from cities that have had atomic bombs dropped on them, and usually my heart ends up worse for wear, feeling like the rubble and decrepit shells of remaining buildings. I’ve written about Hiroshima Boy here and here, and it was a long time before I even felt ready to jump back into the dating game again after him (even now I still have the occasional pang and mini meltdown).

Last December, I was delighted to receive a message from a gorgeous guy, asking to meet up. He was really hot, and I was really excited. We LINED each other for many days before arranging to meet up. I made sure I looked my best, although that night the weather decided not to be my friend and I ended up sodden, looking like I’d been dragged through a hedge backwards, and with completely wet feet – not a good start. He was a little bit late, and I was shivering with cold, but when I saw him I decided it was all worth it – he really was drop dead gorgeous. Taller than me (which is not that common), slim, and super cute. We picked an izakaya and hit it off. Let me tell you, I was VERY tired by the end of the date – I worked hard for my supper that night… in my limited conversational Japanese. He complimented my gold nails (Barry M gold foil darlings), saying they were super pretty, and when I went to the ladies’ room toward the end of the evening, he very classily paid while I was gone. We chatted and walked back to the station, I thanked him and said goodbye. Later, I messaged him to thank him for a lovely time.

I was really surprised when I met you,” was the reply.

Why?” Uh oh, I thought.

Because you’re so much more beautiful than your profile photo. So I was surprised.”

Ha ha ha, thank you! You’re pretty cute too so it’s all good.”

Okay I’m not great at flirting, don’t judge me! But anyway, I’d say as first dates go, it went really well. We kept in touch regularly over the winter holidays, and sent messages and photos of our respective holidays back and forth. He even sent photos of his beloved dog, and a video of a ferry trip he took with his family. We met again in January, and in keeping with Japanese tradition I gave him a little souvenir from my trip. Things were going swimmingly and I couldn’t have been happier.

Then around spring break he took ages to reply to one of my messages.

I’m on holiday in Vietnam,” he said. Fair enough.

A few days later I asked him if he was back and how it was.

I had a great time with my girlfriend!”

Oh how lov-” Wait. What? Girlfriend??

I was gobsmacked. Had I been played? I didn’t really know what to do, but I gave myself a few days, to not be that girl, the one who freaks out and gets labelled as crazy by the guy, but I knew that I had to say something about it. Perhaps I broke all of the rules of dating and relationships, and I’m sure many of you are chucking things at your screens, and banging your heads against the wall wondering how I could be so silly and do things so wrong, but I knew that I couldn’t just keep seeing him as a friend, knowing he had a girlfriend, and pretend it didn’t affect me at all. I have neither the time, the energy, nor the inclination for playing games. After he claimed that his intention was friendship from the start, I did, serenely, bring to his attention that his profile listed him as single, and that I never reply to guys who message me if their status is It’s complicated” or In a relationship.” My profile, along with what I’m looking for, is very specific and very clear.

He didn’t reply after that, perhaps because he knows he’s in the wrong. I was a little shaken up when this went down, but I do feel a strange sense of empowerment – I did after all, say my piece. More often than not I’m left fuming with torrents of things left unsaid, but in this case, a definite sense of calm washed over me – I got my closure. Sayonara Mr Nagasaki. 

Chuuu xoxo

P.S. – Dearest readers, I would love to know if you’ve ever been in a situation like this before. Did I obsess and misinterpret things? Why are men such strange creatures? Do I need some Matthew Hussey in my life? Oh my, my.

32 thoughts on “Tokyo Dating Disasters – The Tale of Mr Nagasaki

  1. Having that happen, of yes. Speaking as a man who dates men and has lots of gf’s who love to gossip, you are not alone. He might have gotten the gf after you, so I wouldn’t sweat it. His not contacting you might have been the period when he started to get serious, which sucks, but isn’t a reflection on you.

    I have a gf who was wild about this guy and when he broke up with her she waited outside his apt after last train. He came home to her waiting outside in the cold. Well, he was flattered and she got to stay the night but the next morning his reason for saying good-bye knocked on the door. They both chewed him out and she has no idea happened next.

      • Definitely not alone — and you handled it well.

        Another gf had a bf who was a musician. When he broke up with here, she started posting their intimate moments on Twitter for “revenge” and to make him talk to her. She got a visit from Yokohama’s finest.

        So you’re not only okay, but you’re mature. You said your piece and moved on. Good on you. 🙂

      • I did consider doing something similar to your gf with Hiroshima Boy, but on Facebook. Very glad I thought better of it! Ha ha. I suppose it’s a less violent version of Ygritte putting three arrows in Jon Snow’s back as he leaves her 😉

        Yay for taking the high road 😀

      • Ygritte rocks! I just watched S04E03. What’s she doing with the cannibals? I hope you’ve found better company. 😉

        That was such a tease at the end. Loved the look on the slave and masters faces when they saw what was launched over the wall.

  2. Nope, you didn’t misinterpret anything.

    I wouldn’t read too much into it, if he was dating and you were both dating, maybe he met someone who it got serious quickly with?

    However he should have actually said this to you instead of just leading you on and not saying anything.

    Boys, I find, can be funny about being honest about other girls however. So don’t beat yourself up about this. It wasn’t anything you did, if anything it was lack of what he did.

  3. Gah. Men.
    This has never happened to me but I had a flirtationship with someone I met on twitter once and the reason it never became anything was precisely because I had a feeling I was not the only girl he was calling ‘beautiful’.
    There is this thing that guys do about not labelling relationships so they can keep their options open. I’m in a topsy-turvy version where my guy doesn’t want to label our relationship so I can keep my options open.
    I will never understand men.

  4. I dunno… the girlfriend thing might have happened after you two started talking. And since you guys weren’t real serious he never had the opportunity to tell u the truth about her. He may have been keeping you close by just in case it didn’t work with her. Because you are so pretty and he loves your nails! But then when he was on holiday he realized he was serious with that girl.. so then he had to come clean with you. That’s my guess.

  5. When I read this a few days ago Alice, I didn’t comprehend this post fully. But I do now as I’m online dating at the moment. I’ve had some wacky moments in just 3 days. Good luck with your search for Mr Right my friend. Ralph xox ❤

  6. Something that I’ve experienced firsthand with boys:
    -They like to keep their options open
    -If they don’t respond as quickly to something, they are most likely not interested anymore and not even apologetic about it. Trust me, if you were on the other end of that, you would totally get a vibe that he likes you. Texts, emails, facebook posts, calls make it so easy to stay in touch now. No excuses.

    Something that could have been a lot worse for you:
    -If that guy never even told you about his girlfriend and you continued to go on dates with him!
    I might be over-sharing but this guy in college who repeatedly asked me out finally warmed me to the point of me telling him “yes, why not?” On our first official date, he tells me that he’s actually dating my best friend while he was waiting for my answer but could we still go on dates? It was a terrible triangle of love and I got the brunt end of that stick. 😦 My answer to him was a big hell no.

    • OMG! Your story is way worse! Well done you for respecting yourself 😀
      It was just all so fast, like within six weeks or so. That’s why I believe he always had a girlfriend the whole time, which is why I can’t understand why he contacted me at all, is all, ha ha.

  7. That beginning is so morbid. I love it.

    Also, I was thinking, maybe the girlfriend came into the picture AFTER you two started talking? Maybe he thought it wasn’t going to get serious with you two or something? Anyways. That sucks.!

    I was just thinking of something slightly similar today on my way from work – I have this nice coworker, love chatting with him and all that, absolutely nothing romantic or whatever from my side, but we’ve worked together for 3 months now and I’ve only now found out that he has a wife – and NOT FROM HIM! And I realise it’s completely different, because me and him weren’t involved, but I was thinking: how hard it is to NEVER mention a WIFE (another human being in your household/life/daily experiences) while talking everyday. Like, just in passing, you know? I’m wondering now, is he hiding the fact that he has a wife?

    Anyway, men.

    • Ha ha I love your story! 😀 I agree, how do you not mention your WIFE!! lol

      I still firmly believe he had a girlfriend the whole time – it was less than two months! Do you go on holiday with someone you just met?? LOL, actually, don’t answer that 😉

      Yes. Men. *cue eye roll* 😀

      • Haha, fair enough, holidays and only two months,

        Precisely. Lots of eye rolling.

        I asked yesterday on purpose, so who did you WITH to that park ? – Just friends.


        ; )

  8. Also. BARRY M GOLD FOIL! : D Love the nail tidbit, obviously : ))

    Do you know that that polish is THE ONLY in my collection that I’ve used half a bottle of and considering buying another one? Granted, I use it for stamping mostly and it is BRILLIANT for that.

    Love this post.

  9. I’ve been in a similar situation except he didn’t opening mention his relationship. I found out via Facebook one day and he started acting weird when I asked him about it, so it confirmed it all. Men are strange creatures and men will say women are strange creatures. All I know is that I would not be on a dating website or going on dates if I was in a relationship (other than with my partner of course).

  10. Woah! He couldn’t tell you he had a girlfriend from the beginning? That’s really weird, why do people do things like this? What was he even doing on a dating site if he wasn’t looking for something more than friendship (I take it as you met him on a dating site)? I’m glad you seem to have handled things really well, though. But I feel sorry that you had to experience that, and I feel terrible for his girlfriend!

    I used to “mess around” with a guy a few years back. It was nothing serious for any of us, we just met and hung out, kissed and… well, did “the dance with no pants”. We were both single and not looking for love. Well, at least that’s what I thought. But one night, after we had been intimate with each other, he tells me:

    “We can’t tell anyone about this, right?”

    My heart froze and I felt a bit sick in my stomach. I gathered some sense and said I wanted to know why. He then explained that he “kind of had a girlfriend now”. Turned out that a girl he used to hang out with actually was a serious thing, but he didn’t tell me about this until after we did what we did. W.T.F. He also made sure to explain that he actually didn’t want a relationship, but his girlfriend wanted it so he better do what she wanted him to. Uhm… I don’t think that her wishes included cheating?

    I felt so incredibly disgusted and angry. If I had known he had a girlfriend, I’d never done what we did. I hate to be part of any cheating business. To make things worse, the last buses and trains had left, so I had to spend the night in his room. It was awful and really panicky and I slept maybe one hour or so. When waking up in the morning, I took the first bus home and never came back. Such an incredible piece of moron. Yikes!

    • OMG I can’t believe he did that to you! Your story is way worse than mine! So sorry you had to come across an idiot like that 😦 What is wrong with people? Seriously.

      I did meet my Nagasaki guy on a dating website; you’re absolutely right. But I suppose people look for all sorts of things on there, lol.

      • Yeah, maybe the Nagasaki guy thought it would be okay to just have a little flirt, or it could also be that he was very stupid and didn’t know that by dating, people usually don’t refer to hanging out with friends? I really don’t know, but it’s a strange story. I hope his girlfriend dumped him. Lol.

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